Hit the brakes!!! Hit the brakes!!!

Oh. How things change.

So... I have definitively disentangled. No more ULTE. And this time, I'm not just saying it, or tossing it over in mind, letting it clank around in my skull and settle back down. I had the goodbye conversation.

If I were not so completely and unprecedentedly in love, perhaps I would wonder how ULTE is feeling, whether our protestations of the entanglement being a non-relationship were really true... but I am... so I pretty much just can't dig up the caring for that in particular.

And how fortuitous that he with whom I'm madly in love is madly in love with me! I shall not continue further... I know how intolerably happy I have become :)

It's funny how my or anyone else's hurtling towards death is no longer of any interest to me...

As I hurtle headlong towards my own death... part 2

One doesn't so much *take* the path of least resistence as one *rolls* down that path, strapped to a gurney, immobilized, possibly by ether.

Sometimes it's just easier. I've declared many times that I'm done with ULTE... but today, he let himself in with a key I (quite casually) gave him on Friday. After all, it's easier to have him let himself in than for me to have to worry about getting home on time. So I give up on giving up. It would be too much work otherwise.

Neither this nor that.... and that's a good thing.

So no, I haven't managed to disentangle. And yes, no matter how disturbed I become about the subject of the minute, after a few days, or at most a week, I generally get over it. It's his consistency that fuels my amnesia. It is always as if nothing had changed. And, in a world where there is nothing dependable aside from a mother's love, one cannot help but find comfort in this incredible consistency.

Neither young and stupid nor old and sleazy, ULTE1 is LT for a reason.

Missing Hawaii? Make Spam Musubi!

I even wrapped them in plastic.  All I need is a cabinet with a heat lamp in it.

d.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

Disentanglement

ULTE1 is entirely too LT. I know I've said it (numerous times) before, but this time, I really mean it.

As I hurtle headlong towards my own death...

I can actually very honestly say that I have been too busy to write... and besides which, there's also the fact that my struggling to meet deadlines does not make for very interesting reading. You probably already know that I have at least five distinct jobs for which I get paid a single salary, and that I am running a business, and that I am a third of my way through a tedious master's degree... the other details are all as they were.

Fortunately, help is here. The business side of things will require less of my time, as, for the first time, I have actually secured excellent help.

Unfortunately, the situation with my five jobs will likely get worse before it gets better. If you keep up with my local news (beyond checking my weather), you will see hints of the systemic problems that are now coming to a head. And by local news I do not mean the CBC, which, thanks for all the little notes, but I'm with Kerouac on the thin vs famous thing. I was tricked.

Yesterday was the Tofino Food and Wine Festival... it was sunnier and more lovely than it was last year... and a million times more productive. Sylvia came out for this one, and got tipsy drunk as she went with me from one conversation to the next. I was only a bad friend once, when I left her with a surfer dude of ill repute (with warning, if I may add). It was a lovely event, filled with friends and familiar people. Aside from the very productive conversations, I discovered a BC wine that I would be entirely happy to drink (when one is presented with that many BC wineries and that many bottles, it would be wrong to say "Oh, I don't know... I don't drink BC wines").

The 2006 Syrah from Nichol Valley in Naramata was delicious. Of course, at $30 a bottle, it really ought to be delicious... since a bottle of good Gigondas costs about that much only after import taxes and shipping from France... of course, price is rarely a sufficient indicator of worth. I will continue to insist that I know nothing about wine and stick mostly to what I know, but will now include this syrah in my list of possible buys. How is it, however, that I like this syrah but can't stand so many shirazs? This seems almost like it might be a slippery slope to being made super aggro by an attack from an Australian Shiraz or GSM. Perhaps it's time I learnt to understand and describe my southern Rhône standards?

This weekend is also the Rip Curl Stew surf competition... Sylvia and I walked down to take a look yesteday... SAIS was in the water, and BNs and DCMS were on the beach. Everyone, it seemed, was on the list of competitors. I have yet to reflect on my feelings on the matter. One thing is for sure though: as I hurtle headlong towards my own death, I am far more aware of the velocity of others hurtling towards theirs... and fountains of youth become more attractive than crowns of wisdom, which, more often than not, are no indicator of wisdom anyway.

It's all about we...

Or, I could call this Not me. We. Part II.

Apparently, a Tofino teacher is one of three finalists for the "Me to We" award, which is a Craig and Marc Kielburger initiative. Here is the website blurb:

Based on Craig and Marc Kielburger's bestselling book, Me to We: Finding Meaning in a Material World, Me to We is not only a philosophy, but a worldwide movement of people finding purpose by living with compassion, strengthening community and making a commitment to our shared humanity. Me to We creates a path to happiness that is less about the acquirement of material items and much more about making positive contributions in our world.

It's not only a philosophy, but a worldwide movement! It's half Schopenhauerian, even. My personal path to happiness begins with embracing the loss of distinction between the nominative and accusative cases. Me so happy! I can haz lol speek! Me luv deeze langwidge!

Blargh.

It's been busy. I haven't had time to think or surf much... but! I've made some time to read Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations, and am quite in love with it.

"Meaning something is like going towards someone."

Well... that pretty much explains why I've always enjoyed dadaism.

In other news, I ended up unknowingly going on a date with one of ULTE1's closest friends... Ooops. Perhaps that is also one of my reasons for staying somewhat quieter... and laying low. Going to work on staying out of trouble.

And... yay! Our guys won last night... sure, they play for the other team... but they're still our guys, and all y'all Canadian hockey freaks oughta be proud.

An all right day...

Friday was Bluepath's first surf in 2010. After repairing it for the third time last October, I decided not to take it out until summer, when the days are long enough for me to surf every day. Well... the days are now long enough.

The surf wasn't great on Friday, but I got the longest ride of my life! Or so it seemed anyway. Bluepath is amazing... and I'm completely in love with it, again. It's the best board ever! On Saturday, I got one super long ride after another, until I was just too exhausted to keep surfing. It didn't even matter if it was a right or a left... every ride is an awesome ride on the Bluepath. AND! I made it to the end, past the sticker. I've been surfing without gloves for weeks, but still having surfed without booties yet. I saw someone surf without booties today... so I guess it's about time.

And of course, I've switched back to the Aerostar... because there is no way I'm strapping Bluepath to a rack... he deserves to ride inside.

13 Minutes

Crap! I only have 13 minutes left to write my last entry for March... and I'm so not ready (Argh! It just turned to 12 minutes)... what is going with time? It's going by entirely too fast... so fast, in fact, I don't even have time to put my very profound thoughts on the smorkin' labbit into a post. Oh no!!

April is supposed to be far away! It can't be April already. April is the month immediate preceding May... and well, if May comes, then summer is going to be RIGHT THERE! And then before I know it, it'll be November! And I haven't yet made it to Fassil's this year.

In fact, I'm not even sure I made it t Fassil's in all of 2009. Where did it go?

AAAARGH!!!!!

Two bad surfs...

I had been hearing all day Thursday about how wonderful the surf was... so I went out as soon as I got off work. It SUCKED. I went straight out from the trail and was going to get some lefts on the middle peak at Cox... but as soon as I got out, I realized there was actually nothing out there... so I went further in and further left, and then after not catching one wave, I came up almost right next to the rocks in the corner. Blargh! The rip was so strong it took all of two seconds for me to get from the middle to the corner. It sucked... and sucked me right into the rocks, even.

The report said it was going to suck all weekend (super short period)... but this morning, when I went out to walk the dog, it looked okay. I wasn't going to go, because I have a pile and a half of school work and several piles of work work and so many piles of business work that I wasn't going to go out unless I knew it was going to be good. Two bad surfs would just be demoralizing.

But then I talked to RR and he said I should definitely go out... being one to always take RR's advice (perhaps too consistently and too seriously), I went. The parking lots were full... both of them! Even the crappy scary one. There were a lot of kooks everywhere, so I wondered whether or not it actually was good or whether it was just weekend traffic. I ran into people whose opinion I trust, and was told that it really was good... and that I didn't need any gloves.

So, never a fan of gloves, I had my first gloveless surf this year. It was howling offshore winds... which is probably good for some people... but not good for someone who has to keep her 11' board from getting blown out from under her. The beach was frighteningly crowded. There has been this odd photoshopped photo of a super crowded Long Beach tossed about on the internet... ULTE2 thought it an excellent photo... but it seemed to me to be some sort of Hieronymus Bosch horror show... right at one of my favourite beaches. That's what Cox Bay looked like today... a Hieronymus Bosch horror show.

Wasting Time

I had always suspected that one has to do barely any work to get through school.

A friend who worked in the battery industry once told me that it costs x dollars in R&D to make an amazingly complicated battery... and that it costs x times 500 to improve that battery by another 2%. I think the same thing applies to school work. It takes x effort to get a B+... and it takes x times 500 to get an A-. Maybe the difference is even greater than that.

I've been aiming to pass... and I've been overshooting the target. The worst paper I ever wrote (which is considerably worse than the second worst paper I ever wrote) turned out to be a B+ paper. I could have spent another 2 weeks on it... and I probably would have ended up with an A paper... but that would not have been rewarded in any meaningful way. I am no longer striving for excellence. Mediocrity takes a lot less work, and in the end, no one is going to ask to see my transcript.

Any forays into the academic world of Slavic philology will be preceded by extensive, fresh undergraduate work, which will cancel out any doubt that my current academic standing casts upon me. And MFAs are all about portfolios anyway. This particular masters really is just passing time. By the end of this month, I'll be a quarter of the way through. And by August, I'll be a third of the way through. It'll be far too late to quit. It is far too late to quit.

YAY!!! It's OVER!!! (for a few weeks, anyway)...

I just threw up my second midterm paper in the instructor's lap. It wasn't pretty... but I'm now only looking to pass. For both of the past two weekends, I had be trying to write two midterm papers. I was mostly unsuccessful... in that I did everything but write those papers, until hours before they were due (luckily they were not due on the same day)... some of the fun activities I engaged in instead included:

• reading T.S. Eliot out loud... very loudly
• parsing Hail Mary in Latin
• watching Catherine Breillat movies I've already seen and not liked
• changing my Facebook interface to Russian and seeing it all like it was the first time
• looking for David Foster Wallace articles in scholarly publications
• joining an online dating site called "brainiac dating" or some such thing, and then writing inflammatory comments at the pretentious losers found there
• reading the OED (did you know that to procrastinate means to put off until tomorrow? this means that if you intend to do something later on today, you are, strictly speaking, NOT procrastinating)
• signing up for twitter (which is so lame that despite the fact that I really was looking for ways to waste my time, could not actually bring myself to wasting time there)
• tuning my lute
• watching an episode of Marriage Ref... which is probably contemporary US television at its best?

But now it's all over... and I'm back to putting as much surf in my life as possible... until the finals are here, that is.

Demographics and Paranoia

Five million things to do... the top two of which are papers to write. One is due 30 hours from now. I should get started on it.

Back into surfing again, now that the days are longer. I've been out three days in a row now... Friday was awesome... sunny, glassy, and all lefts... good, long, peeling lefts, every single one. Saturday was not as good... but there were still good rides to be had. After a gigantic clean up set (way, way overhead) which almost but didn't get me, I sat out waiting for the next set. This dude paddles up to me and was being chatty. He claims to have got the shoulder of one of the massive waves in the previous set... then it appeared to me that he was trying to pick up... then it became apparent that he was trying to pick up. I like competent longboarders, I do. But I looked at his board and thought it looked a hell of a lot like the board that BNs was riding when he was doing his pick up thing... a different colour... but same, somehow. So I asked what he was riding. And wouldn't you know... it's the same shaper.

There were a few too many similarities... and I just wasn't all that interested in learning that his girlfriend doesn't really like to join him on these surf trips &c &c and so I left. Besides which, I've noticed that the rule is not one chance encounter but two.

A few hours later, I run into him again in town, and he calls me by name while I am trying to remember which of the three generic 35-45 yr old names he said was his. Out of the surf, he had that BNs look of expensive jeans and expensive sunglasses... with an expensive hoodie to complete the super cool forever young yet totally respected old school surfer look. I got an invitation to join him for dinner... but it was a little too casually extended and I was still reacting to his brand of surfboard. Another time, as we're sure to meet again, according to him.

As the evening progressed, I became increasingly paranoid about the possibility that I'm getting a reputation among the surfers who come through the pass on the weekends. All it takes is one story. ULTE2 was in town for a visit, and so I ran the theory by him for his opinion. At first he figures that BNs is probably keeping super quiet, thanks in no small part to my ability to act in ways that easily convince others of my insanity... but then ULTE2 brings up the point that buddies don't tell on eachother... so it is not impossible that he could have mentioned it to this dude on the same make of board... because really, don't all south island surfers know eachother? Of course, ULTE2 was just trying to entertain me, so I was able to quickly forget all about it.

Until this afternoon, that is. ULTE2 and I went out for lunch... and where we chose to eat, there was this other forever young but respected old school surfer dude with really expensive jeans and really expensive sunglasses, who, if he hadn't been wearing a dickie, would have been wearing exactly the sort of expensive hoodie I had in mind earlier... I reacted at first against the over the top coolness... but then I realized that it was more than probable that this very dude is BNs's frater. Blargh.

I was still able to ignore all this... that is, until I got to the beach, parked my car, and got the Britannia out of the trunk. A car pulls up on the opposite side, carrying a couple in wetsuits... and one of the two board on their roof rack was the very board that BNs was riding during the pick up... it might not be that very board, but if it wasn't, it was the exact same make and model, with maybe the serial number a few digits off. Since BNs sold that board last year, it is not impossible that it was that very board.

That's quite a few reminders in such a short weekend.

Forgetting to Think

I recently found and read an old Rolling Stone article on David Foster Wallace. I had suspected that he really is (was) a person who really does (did) live in this world... but reading his work, I could never really be convinced that he lived among us. His insight and generosity had always seemed otherworldly. Read the article...

I haven't had a lot of time to think recently, being super busy with work and school and people. For the first time in my life, I think I'd like to think more, and I don't mean about Kantian deontology or the politics of forgiveness, either.

How about a turtle?

Well... I haven't written in a while. And despite having said, "Yes, I'll write something TODAY!" on Friday... I still haven't. I'm hoping I can get through this posting and actually hit "publish" at the end of it.

So why the silence? Well... I'd like to say that it was because of a request from someone to remove certain bits from here that made me less motivated to write (it involved reading through posts and finding bits and taking them off, which I was entirely willing to do... but reading through these posts is just... well... depressing. Here I am writing crap and leaving it out there... most of it is thoughtless omphaloskeptic junk. Of course, my indulgent friends (Thank you, indulgent friends.) not only do not mind reading crap, but enjoy reading crap so as to keep up with what's been going on with me. Anyway, I never did get around to editing the posts... all I did was find the posts and saved them as drafts so they're not published. So there is still this thing (of editing) that is left me to do... which I don't feel like doing... which has resulted in my not wanting to bother even logging in... but nevermind that. I'm here.)... but really... I have been insanely busy. I'm busy at work (doing my undefined job with its undefined tasks, which I can without any facetiousness say are worthwhile and fascinating)... and I'm busy with school (two courses this semester... one fun one... one totally not fun one, taught by an economist, even though it isn't an economy course... which, btw, I can't stand. At least in the English department, we *admitted* to making shit up... economy is supposedly based on "the rational person"... well... guess what... such person does not exist... we're all driven by guilt and spite and not logic. And we're never going to ever hold 18 things constant to give us an opportunity to tweak the 19th to result in a change in the 20th.)... and I also went away for 10 days over Christmas in Edmonton (mon dieu qu'il faisait froid!) and more recently 8 days in Hawaii (lovely and temperate, as a friend aptly stole from a hack.).

I wanted to see a sea turtle in Hawaii... my god did I ever! The first dive was to YO-257 (95 feet deep shipwrecks) and the second was Turtle Canyon. Definitely the best dives I've ever had (given that I've only ever gone diving in the frigid, zero-visibility waters of Tofino, that's not hard to do)... the locals made fun of my enthusiasm... "visibility sucks!" (it was awesome... could see forever)... "it's not sunny!" (it was like a bright summer day)... "it's too cold!" (you have got to be kidding me!)...

This you see here is a turtle that was hanging out at YO-257... which is a USS Navy Ship that they sank off of Honolulu for the tourist submarines to look at... in the same shipwreck... there were two white tip reef sharks sleeping... which we woke up... oops!

Moving along... I am now still corresponding with t's parents. This is getting a little bit weird... especially since I haven't exchanged a single word with t since New Years Eve... when he sent me a text message saying "Happy New Year!"... and I did the same. But... because I have been so incredibly busy, I haven't had any time to ruminate on its weirdness... which suits me just fine. Except now I'm THREE e-mails behind with his mom... and I'm feeling like I really should get on it.... this is really odd... because I'm one e-mail behind with ULTE2, one e-mail behind with Karen, several e-mails behind with many other friends... and somehow I'm not feeling the urgency of writing to my own long-time friends. Someone please throw something hard and heavy at my head.

Things here are the same as ever... except things do tend to progress despite the total lack of effort. I recently found myself drinking beer and watching television with ULTE1 for two nights in a row. This is excessively strange... given that I neither drink beer nor watch television on my own (so much so, in fact, that he had to explain television to me. You see, when you don't know anything about anything in the world of popular culture... irony is completely lost... and contemporary television is all irony, all the time.).... I ran into him at the parking lot at Cox Bay today. I do not know what is wrong with me... but I just can't be appropriately social with certain people in the parking lot... strangers are fine... I can be super chatty... but ULTE1? I was bordering on rude. I don't know what's wrong with me... but I just can't figure out how to behave in front of his people.... I didn't even really want to acknowledge that I knew him... but that's due entirely to the fact that I don't know his people.... the ones I know are fine... but the ones I don't... I'd sooner pretend I don't know ULTE1 at all... well... I guess it's time for more omphaloskepsis...

I've gotta get to work...

January 2005

Apparently January 19th, 2005, the temperature high was 15C in Vancouver. This year, it's only 14C.

I remember January 2005... mostly because that was the first winter I was back in Vancouver, and I was really looking forward to skiing. So much so that I bought a full privilege season's pass at Cypress for many hundreds of dollars. (surfing is free)

I skied on mud and rocks... and ended up scratching the hell out of my newish tele skis... which I painstakingly repaired and waxed and tuned and untuned and then used for only one more season.

This year is one of those years. Good luck with the games.

Entangled

I hadn't surfed since the 4th of January. I had wanted to go for a surf this morning, but then discovered that my assignment, usually due at midnight, was actually due at noon. I spent an hour making stuff up (I could have spent hours doing it properly, but that doesn't necessarily guarantee anything, aside from the spending (squandering?) of several hours). I submitted my assignment, and then went to a funeral.

Half the town was there-- many hundreds of people, standing room only. John was and is well loved. If I added up all the minutes we were in the same room together, it would not amount to three hours. It is therefore indisputable that I did not know him well. What I know with utmost confidence is that in those minutes, he has inspired me to be good to people. He is inspirationally good, inspirationally compassionate. I shall remember him, and whenever I do, I shall be reminded to be more like him.

I went for a surf afterwards. I caught some excellent rides... and then became entangled in a long loose thread from my wetsuit. I could not explain how it happened. I do not understand how it happened.

Satori!

So what's going on? It makes no sense. What does it all mean?

-Whatever a moon has always meant. Whatever a sun will always sing.

What? 2010? Isn't that when the Olympics are on?

I got back into town yesterday (for the second time since mid December) and am, again, very happy to be back. People have been saying "Happy New Year" to me... and I've mostly responded with "Oh! Right! I'd completely forgotten!"...

This "Christmas Holiday" has been a wild-ish ride... with a lot of driving... and an unusual detour.

Spending 10 days in Edmonton in the middle of winter is ill-advised for anyone... and spending 10 days in a household with children is extremely ill-advised for someone who just isn't that into kids. Among other ill-advised activities, going to the West Edmonton Mall on boxing day is a really, really bad idea.

As my plane flew over the Georgia Straight, I became very thankful that I live on the island... where it's just not that cold... and where my nose isn't bleeding all the bloody time.

I planned to maybe go skiing before heading back to Tofino... I had a couple of days free between arriving in Comox on Sunday and having lunch with Sharon at the Wick on Tuesday... I had even packed all my ski gear in my car...

Alas, it was not to be... I ended up getting an invitation to dinner at T's parents' place (I had never met them)... and left their house two days later. Those two days undid all the damage that Edmonton inflicted (which were by no means trivial... I was a bit of a basket case when I got to YQQ)... and it ended up being my real Christmas. They didn't get around to having their turkey dinner until the 27th... and so it was that I was able to join them for what felt like Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They were so incredibly and improbably wonderful that for a while after I left I wasn't sure if it actually happened... but I decided that I couldn't have made something like that up... or... more importantly, given my declaration on the Third of October, would not have made something like that up. Besides which, there is hard physical evidence in the form of two fluffy knitted dishcloths that I am now very glad I accepted, for the reason that they serve as evidence.

Beside that they are exceptionally likeable people... I now suspect that a large part of my having enjoyed their company so very much had something to do with the fact that, finally, I met people who held T in higher esteem than I did! All my friends who know him have, over the last 12 years, developed a bit of disdain for him... much in the same way as a crack addict's friends would develop a contempt for crack (and I do feel a little bit bad about comparing T to crack, but you have probably already observed enough to see its aptness, and for that, I apologize (I promise, though, that I really am fine now)). Those friends who do not know him of course could not think very well of him, given that all they know is that he turns me into a fool, and not the good kind, either. And so how refreshing it was to meet two people who think the world of him... love him more than I do, and understand him better... that was the real relief.

Now, I'm back in Tofino... I'm surfing... and I'm okay. And nothing is going to fall apart any time soon. I hadn't surfed since the 14th of December... I was exhausted by the time I got past the break today. I missed a whole lot of waves (too far out, as usual)... but when I caught my first one of the day, of the year, and of the decade, it was a super awesome ride... a peeling left that went on forever... I went by a bunch of people... all of whom were watching this awesome ride... and... ULTE1's friend was there to see the whole thing. He also saw my second ride, which was almost as awesome as my first, but a right. I don't need the gaze to validate my reality... but it's sure a good feeling to be seen catching a good ride. There was a lot of waiting... but I got five waves and left. I found out later on that ULTE1 was there when I was... but he said he got nothing. I guess it was my welcome home gift. Happy New Year.