Imported Facebook Note

Experimentations with Alcoholism

When we first moved to Canada, we had a neighbour across the lane that was (I did not realize at the time) a dedicated alcoholic. She was friendly and generous, and almost always wore jeans and flannel shirts. She had a withdrawn teenage son who was only ever seen in ripped jeans and various band t-shirts. I believe she was a single mom. She mowed the lawn with one hand and held her can of budweiser in the other. At ten years old and having trouble pushing our lawn mower with all my weight, I was impressed by her strength.

Today, as soon as I got home from work, I decided to recreate that scene. It's performance art of a sort... all for my own benefit, of course. I downed a couple of Strongbows and mowed the lawn. It was not at all challenging, not even when it ran out of gas and I had to figure out how and where to get more gas without driving. I therefore concluded that I was not drunk enough. I downed a third strong bow and slashed away at carton boxes with an Olfa box cutter (made in Japan and available at your local co-op hardware) in preparation for the first day of curbside recycling in Tofino (yes, you'd figure a place like Tofino would be all about recycling... but tomorrow is in fact the first day). I slashed away mercilessly at the carton boxes with the blade fully extended and managed to get them all into the little blue bags. I didn't find that sufficiently challenging, and therefore concluded again that I was not drunk enough. And so I got started on the 4th Strongbow... and sorted out my recycling for refund, which has been accumulating for months. The third activity was less demanding... and had to be, mainly because the webs between the fingers of my left hand were all bloodied from what I assume must be papercuts. I'm done sorting now... and still neither challenged nor drunk. If it were not getting dark so quickly, I believe the thing to do would be to start on a 5th and grab a ladder and start cleaning my windows on the top floor.

Many of you will of course point out that Strongbow is in fact not strong at all, and that I really should be drinking something else if I wish to engage in a truly "jackass" style tableau... but the fact of the matter is that I have no Unibroue left... and am not sufficiently willing to drink the other left over drinks from the party on Friday... all my red wine is either undrinakable or far too expensive to get drunk on... so... I guess I fail. Alcoholism requires much dedication and foresight... neither of which I have in abundance, especially now that mould has begun consuming brain matter and filling the void with its progeny within my skull.

Yes, I am bored. No, alcohol is not the answer.

Okay then. I will now read Revelation in Russian... either that or watch Têtes à claques...